If you're not familiar with the Onion, it's all entirely fake news. But I think this kind of attitude tells us something about the true state of the city.
For more nerdy comedy, check out More New Math. Equations for life. This is the kind of my friends and I thought up all the time freshman year. Like,
DEATH = NAP + FOREVER
CLAUSTROPHOBIA = YOU/SPACE
or my favorite
HT: Fendeilagh, Chris